Click here to go to Opinions You Should Have at TITLE: Lance Bass Offers To Strap Himself Into Warhead of U.S. Missile AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 4/16/2003 11:35:00 AM ----- BODY: Lance Bass, the frustrated N'Sync member whose dreams of rocketing into outer space in a Russian spaceship were crushed when he was apparently outbid by a Texas billionaire, has offered to pay one million dollars to be placed in the nose of a cruise missile and shot "wherever the U.S. needs to send it." "This would be such a rush," said Bass, whose spiked hair and amiable grin have endeared him to millions. "Hugging the contours of hostile terrain at like 500 miles per hour would be awesome." It was not explained how Bass intended to survive such an adventure, or whether he intended to be used as a "payload in the service of his country." U.S. officials declined to comment, but sources who wished to remain anonymous said the Pentagon was trying to evaluate the destructive force of a Lance Bass strike. Some speculated that the successful use of Mr. Bass could breathe "new life" into boy bands, "kind of." Murray-Bunim-Muenster, producers of the reality shows "The Real World: Somalia" and "When Good Dictators Go Bad" were reportedly interested in developing Bass's exploits as a sitcom. -------- TITLE: Scientific Testing Proves Careers of Jackson Browne and Darryl Hannah Destroyed By Breakup AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 4/16/2003 11:19:00 AM ----- BODY: Splitup of intellectually challenged couple who were "perfect for each other" doomed them to professional failure; Worst feared for Brittany Spears and Justin Timberlake. -------- TITLE: Task of Rebuilding Begins: Florida Election Booths to be Installed in Baghdad Tomorrow AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 4/16/2003 11:17:00 AM ----- BODY: Also coming: Walmart, Staples, Subway, Pizza Hut, CompUSA, TGIF, and Sizzlers. Statue of Hussein to be replaced with large wax model of Colonel Sanders. -------- TITLE: Bush Declares War Goal Met; Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction Gone AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 4/16/2003 11:14:00 AM ----- BODY: President Bush, in a press conference held at 4:10 a.m. today, said:
The Hussein regime harbored terrorists and possessed enough fissionable plutonium to extinguish the planet. It had a nuclear weapons program that was designed to build a nuclear bomb much larger than Eqypt, had tons of biological weapons -- Powell, show them the fake anthrax vial -- that could have killed us all, and chemical weapons that, as I understand it, were weapons containing chemicals. Now all of those weapons of mass destruction, as you can all see, are gone. I thank God that we were able to act so swiftly to eradicate a menace which so urgently threatened us all. The gun which Saddam Hussein was holding up against our heads has been taken from him, the bullets removed, and the revolver holstered. Americans can sleep more soundly, as they are no doubt sleeping now. Our coalition forces -- meaning U.S. forces and a British guy -- are now scouring Iraq to see if any traces of these terrible weapons still exist. But I am pleased to say that our mission worked -- our military served us -- and it appears that, in Iraq at least, they have effectively vanished due to our intervention. God bless us, God help the American People, and God -- An American God -- bless the Iraqi people.
After the conference, Bush had an early morning jog and a lengthy discussion with his wife about Katie Couric's hair. -------- TITLE: Bush Plan To Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea "Totally Different" Than Neocon Plan to Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 4/16/2003 10:52:00 AM ----- BODY: The Bush Administration today denied that its plans to pressure and reshape the governments of Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and North Korea bore no resemblance whatsoever to Neoconservatives' plans to dominate the world in precisely the same way. The Neoconservatives plans, drawn up in 1991 and documented in 1998 in a letter to President Clinton, outlined in the Weekly Standard, and commented upon in The Washington Monthly "have nothing to do with us," said Dick Cheney, who, said that his authorship of some of the neoconservative schemes was just part of the "incredible coincidence" linking neocoservative aims to the moves of the Bush Administration. "We've been perfectly honest about our constantly shifting rationales for the Iraq invasion. Right now, it's -- what is it?" Cheney asked, looking at some notes on his desk. "Oh, yes, we're liberating the Iraqi people." Asked about whether the Administration's threats to Syria demonstrated that the real motivation for invading Iraq was to execute teh neocon plan -- a grand scheme to forcibly reshape the Middle East and the rest of the world to insure the supremacy of America -- Cheney replied. "That's preposterous. It's a sheer coincidence. It's as unbelievable as those Dickens novels where Little nell discovers that Ms. Havesham and Pip are actually siamese twins who were seperated at birth, which makes her the heir to the entire Halliburton fortune. You know what I mean." President Bush described it differently. "It's completely absurd. It's like in The Fugitive, where the fugitive is always like one step behind the Man with One Arm, but he doesn't ever catch up with him, or like -- this is better -- in Spiderman, where Gwen Stacy dies, and then she comes back a bunch of years later as a clone, and then Peter Parker discovers that he's not even the original Peter Parker, he's a clone. That just confused the hell out of me." Donald Rumsfeld put it this way: "Just because one guy says, hey, let's do A and B, and then we'll do C, D, and E, and another guy does A and B, it doesn't make sense that that means the second guy will do C, D, and E, or that he even knows the first guy. Like, they could be complete strangers. Did I mention that freedom is untidy?" --------