Click here to go to Opinions You Should Have at tomburka.com. TITLE: Ari Fleischer to Resign This Summer; Has "Really Big Steak" To Grill AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 5/19/2003 06:20:00 PM ----- BODY: Ari Fleischer, the erstwhile press secretary famous for his deadpan delivery of Bush Administration bon mots, drollery and outright evasion -- which he comically called "information" -- today announced his pending resignation this coming summer. Fleischer stated that, after mastering the task of saying as many as twenty-eight completely contradictory things in one day, sometimes in as little as one hour, and often going for days answering hundreds of questions without providing even one meager sliver of information, he was either going to take a well-deserved rest, or he wasn't. Asked about whether he was going to work in the private sector and whether he had yet received any job offers, Fleischer said, "That's certainly a question that we'll all want to know the answer to, and about which anyone would naturally be curious, and I'm sure the information will be made available as soon as we can get that out to you." Fleischer did say that if it was a really hot summer he might try to see how many eggs he could fry on the top of his head "for a lark." Although he was seen wearing a "Baghdad Ari?' t-shirt at a recent White House barbeque, Fleischer refused to answer questions relating to the upcoming opening for a Minister of Information in a soon-to-be-formed Iraqi democracy. "I'll have to get back to you on that," Fleischer told reporters. -------- TITLE: U.S. Forces Stop Shooting Iraqis; Offer Them $40 Instead AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 5/19/2003 11:35:00 AM ----- BODY: Iraqis Complain "Nothing To Spend It On" U.S. forces desperate to stop the tide of Iraqi looting and unrest despairingly offered each Iraqi 40 dollars if they would just "shut up and accept democracy already." Iraqis complained about the payoff, saying they should hold out for at least a nice DVD player or "quality watch." Baghdad resident Sahab Sharifi complained that the settlement was not acceptable to him because "the stores have nothing left to buy," and that, in any event, there was no electricity available to run "even the cheapest of toaster ovens." He also mentioned his belief that, in America, you could get more valuable items for opening a bank account. Sharifi said, "This would be true here, as well, if any of the banks were still operating." --------