Click here to go to Opinions You Should Have at TITLE: Public Service Retirees Discovered to Have Been Spending "More Time" With Wrong Familes AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 5/21/2003 02:55:00 PM ----- BODY: In the wake of Christy Todd Whitman's recent announcement that she was resigning from the Bush Administration so she could "spend more time with her own family," it was discovered that Karen Hughes, who had retired from the White House staff to spend more time with her own family, was mistakenly living with Norman and Brenda Kildare and their three children in Eastern Kentucky. "We didn't know who she was," said Mrs. Kildare. "But she was just so well organized and everything that we were afraid to ask her to leave." Rumsfeld and Cheney denied rumors that they were thinking of leaving their jobs. "The last thing I'd want to do," said Cheney, "is spend more time with my own family." "And I think they feel the same way," he added. -------- TITLE: Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Orange Because Of Increase In Cable News Network Chatter AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 5/21/2003 09:33:00 AM ----- BODY: Anonymous sources from terrorist groups indicated that they had increased the likelihood of committing a terrorist act because of what they called "an incredible rise in the level of punditry and unfounded speculation" detected on MSNBC, CNN, Fox, and the Cartoon Network. An unidentified source named Hamid Baq-ti-qar Amith, a member of al Qaeda, said, "We cannot take it anymore. This Chris Matthews with his Hard Ball is making us crazy. These Fox news people with their reporting and deciding have us climbing the walls. Someone must silence this Geraldo man. The violence must be stopped!" Cable news networks declined to comment or speculate about the nexis between 24/7 news "coverage" and any increase in terorrorist activity. However, they did ask Ann Coulter to appear on MSNBC at 7:00 p.m. tonight to discuss the question with Greta Van Susterin, Bill O'Reilly, James Carville, Jeffrey Toobin, a host of former government officials and armed forces retirees, John Gleeson (author of "Cable News Networks, the Five Second News Cycle, and You"), and Jerry Mathers. -------- TITLE: War Constant Obstacle to Peace in Mideast AUTHOR: Tom DATE: 5/21/2003 08:07:00 AM ----- BODY: Numerous suicide bombings in Israel are significantly deterring efforts to stop suicide bombings in Israel. "If this war would just stop, we could get down to the business of negotiating the end of it," said Ariel Sharon today, after he cancelled a planned trip to meet with President Bush to discuss plans to make trips to discuss negotiations for peace with the Palestinians. --------