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TITLE: War Mistakenly Declared Over
DATE: 5/30/2003 08:40:00 AM
Iraqi Opposition Apparently Uninformed of End of Hostilities
U.S. Commander Lt. Gen. David McKiernan today said he had realized that the Iraqi war was still going on. Vital clues included the continuing deaths of U.S. soldiers due to opposition sorties and a smack on the head from Staff Sergeant Minnie Dubloon.
It also dawned on those few U.S. generals and colonels that they would have to call back many of the troops the U.S. had just spent millions of dollars sending back home, placing them back in harm's way.
"We'll probably need some of them tanks and missiles and stuff, too," said Sgt. Omar "Tecumseh" Bradley of Maine. "It would be totally hard to fight this war without them thangs."
Some were quick to point fingers and other quick to point rifles, depending on how exposed their positions were. "I sure am glad that we have such great armed forces," said Private Irving Ukulele, who wished to remain unidentified for this article. "Because our leadership sure sucks."
TITLE: Karl Rove Has Orgasm At Tax-Cut Signing Ceremony
DATE: 5/30/2003 08:39:00 AM
Smokes Cigarette Outside Of Oval Office Afterwards
During President's Bush's signing of an enormous $350 billion tax cut bill, Rove suddenly emitted a low moan, gave a gasp of pleasure, and shouted, "YES, YES, YES!" just as the President put his pen to the paper.
After the ceremony, Rove took the bill into his private office for "some quality time."
Rove later claimed that he had had a "religious experience" and refused to talk further about it.